People with bulimia have a lot going on. It’s not simply that they can’t see themselves accurately. Visual hallucinations are only one aspect of an entire array of sensual experiences. An anorexic person can eat a teaspoonful of rice and feel full. Looking bloated is not the worst nightmare; feeling bloated is.
Just like other types of enthusiasts, some folks who cherish and cultivate their eating disorders have favorite slogans that they live by. A person may be horrified by the concept of foreign matter being inside her or his body, even if that intrusive substance is food. They don’t like excess fat on their communication, either. Why say “Emptiness is freedom” when “Empty is free” conveys the message so eloquently?
The quest for emptiness becomes grotesque and horrifying. An 80-pound person wrote:
i purge for 45 mins to 2 hours flushing over and over again
i am bloated (not as bloated as i was before purging my binge), and i feel like things are still inside me
i never feel empty, even when i restrict or when i get hunger pains after my b/p session
Another appreciates precision in distinguishing similar but not identical phenomena: “I frequently get the hunger feeling after purging, but never the truly ’empty’ feeling. I consider those two distinct sensations.” But wait, it gets worse, in the next entry:
Well yes, I do get the empty feeling. I purge down to my morning weight or less… When I get to the point that I taste literally just bile and it burns coming up, I feel pretty empty… When I push [on my stomach], it feels like there’s nothing in there at all. It’s not every time because I just don’t have the willpower to stand there all night and push it all out, but it does happen.
In looking forward to the day when they can live in their own place and make up the rules, a person might fantasize about “keeping the refrigerator and cupboards empty, and free of food.” (There’s that “f” word again.) Again and again, respondents mention the adjectives light, fresh, thin, empty, and free. One person says,
I get so frustrated seeing my parents bring a bunch of junk into the house. It’s very triggering having it just there… When I’m on my own I finally won’t have to worry about binging… And no one will be there to pressure me to eat.
People with these feelings may not even be able to define exactly what the emptiness represents freedom from, or what it replicates — but isn’t part of the ideal of freedom, the concept of not needing to explain your dream or its conditions to others? Shouldn’t it be a basic rule of human conduct, that each person is allowed the leeway to chase their own particular definition of the ideal life? The philosophical ramifications are deep and wide.
If someone wants to be very skinny, why should they not be allowed to pursue their vision of fulfillment (which paradoxically, in this case, is emptiness) — just like the person who aspires to drive a race car or climb a mountain? Those are, after all, life-threatening modes of existence, and the lucky drivers and mountaineers who make it through might win piles of money and acclaim.
Okay, maybe this line of thought goes a bit too far into the territory of the absurd. But people who are mentally or emotionally disturbed do not know that. They may deeply believe in their right to self-destruct, borrowing the reasoning of patriots and freedom-lovers everywhere, to rationalize their lifestyle to themselves and justify it to others.
But the person who binges and purges, what do they get in return for all that risk? Disapproval, scorn, and possibly torture (unwanted treatment) in a place with locked doors. This quotation illustrates the common tendency to regard doctors and other medical personnel as the enemy:
I got out of hospital today for refeeding syndrome (ironically not ED related) I have physical issues that cause malnutrition but also some food body issues that no one really knows about other than I have low self esteem/can’t see myself as others do. They haven’t connected those two, luckily.
Other respondents are eager to share thoughts like these:
I also have no interest in gaining back to a healthy bmi…
I know I would feel that way no matter how low it went so it’s completely illogical and unsustainable…
I have felt more confident in myself since being underweight. Even if I’ll never feel beautiful or thin I can rationalise the thoughts… So in a way I have a peace of mind…
just feel sad and lost and stuck…
So many questions arise, like, when did bulimia become a “thing?” Do the afflicted people discover the behavior by themselves, or learn it from peers or older relatives? Did people binge and purge during the two world wars? Did the disorder even exist then? During the Depression? Did bulimics rejoice that cupboards were bare and no one had enough to eat? Did banquet guests in ancient Rome really vomit on purpose just so they could gobble down more food?
Currently, is binging and purging an American phenomenon, or does it span the globe? If not for the cultural trend toward fat-phobia and fat-hate, would people choose to live this way?
Your responses and feedback are welcome!
Source: “ED Support Forum, EDSsupportForum.com, 06/06/20
Source: “ED Support Forum,” EDSsupportForum.com, 02/24/17
Source: “ED Support Forum,” EDSsupportForum.com, 11/01/22
Image by Gerd Altmann/Pixabay
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