Spare Yourself a Ton of Grief

What drives people to overeat? For the most part, stress. Therefore, anything that alleviates stress is worthy of attention. Life is famous for one thing: throwing us into unforeseen crises after the unanticipated emergency. When was the last time even a single day went by without some disheartening dilemma?

Like the photo on this page, stress is just a big box of awfulness, waiting for its chance to drop down and crush us. And yet, we find it all too easy to believe that stuffing a few hundred extra calories into our mouths will somehow alleviate this doom. How we sell ourselves this obvious fallacy is an eternal mystery.

Let’s consider some concepts that will come in handy every single day. The previous post mentioned expectations, but barely scratched the topic’s surface. First of all, an expectation is like a fairy tale for grownups. Imagine a business owner with an ironclad contract in hand, drawn up by an all-star team of cutthroat lawyers, and signed by all the right people in all the right places. Naturally, this executive has sky-high expectations for the results.

And yet, another tycoon can come along with an even larger team of even more merciless lawyers, and blow that first contract right out of the water. It happens every day. Given the right circumstances and the wrong motivations, any contract can be transformed into a mere sheaf of paper, more useful in a toilet stall than anywhere else.

Stress prevention 101

In real life, an expectation is just an imaginary contract, an agreement a person pretends that the world has promised to honor and fulfill. An expectation is an idea about how things ought to be, but life on Earth has shown time and time again that “how things ought to be” is simply not a valid concept. A person may believe all day long that they can jump off a tall building and float, because that’s how things ought to be, but it’s never going to happen no matter how sincere the expectation is. Even if the action were repeatable, it would end the same way every time. In a universe ruled by gravity, expectation is not a viable currency.

Sure, many times things will turn out like we expect, and there is a lot we can do, through preparation and hard work, to make that happen. Our expectation may be fulfilled ten times in a row, or 20 times. But it is never guaranteed. Thinking that we are entitled to have things turn out like we want, believing that our expectation ought to be met, is an underhanded psychological trap we set for ourselves, to give ourselves a justification for bringing home a large pizza and a gallon of ice cream.

What are we dealing with here?

On this planet ruled by human nature, expectation will not even guarantee you a cup of coffee. The more stringent our ideas are about how things ought to be, the more disillusionment we experience, and the more we attempt to eat the resultant feelings. In human interactions, every expectation is a resentment waiting to happen. Each time we hold an expectation about what someone else will say or do, we invite another rebuff. And each time we do that, we secretly, sneakily, grant ourselves an excuse to do something stupid — like gobble down a few thousand calories.

A huge part of stress avoidance is the factor known as expectation management. Bear in mind that your expectations are not pertinent to anyone else. They apply only to you, and any attempt to extend them to others will probably bring disappointment. Of course, the flip side is, that unless you have given your word to deliver a certain result at a specific time, you are under no obligation to fulfill the expectations that exist in anyone else’s mind.

A very useful resolution not only for the new year but for this holiday season we are in right now is to clear our subconscious minds of expectations, and instead listen to others with an open heart and a willing ear.

How about this for an expectation that will never disappoint? “It’s going to be interesting.”

Image by Sergio/CC BY-SA 2.0 DEED

The Holidays, You, Me, and Others

Once a person has grasped the unlikelihood of super-heroic transformation, at least one corollary becomes obvious. In union there is strength. A good rule is, “Support other adults who struggle to create nice experiences and pleasant memories for children.”

The holidays really shine most for kids and elders. All of us who fall in the vast middle ground between the extremes need to just shoulder the burden of making sure that those two demographics have a good time. Nobody said it was fair. But in recompense, the emotional rewards can be spectacular.

Making a lovely and memorable holiday does not mean having the most gaudily decorated house on the block, or buying the most expensive gifts. It means the things Childhood Obesity News has mentioned, like, “Don’t talk about someone’s physical characteristics in their presence. Or behind their back.” And this is particularly true of children. As the well-known Pink Floyd song goes, “Leave those kids alone.”

‘Tis the season to be what?

Between October and February, mental health crises abound, creating psychological burdens in individuals that can’t help but be contagious among family and friends. If we can navigate those hazardous waters, we will probably be able to handle the rest of the months like pros. It comes as no surprise to learn, the strategies that make things go more smoothly over the winter holidays will actually improve life all year round.

What can one do for oneself and others? For starters, empathy is all-important. If you, as a person in pretty good emotional health, can see a negative side to festive get-togethers, just take a moment to reflect on how horrendous these gatherings can be for someone who struggles with serious difficulties.

In this portion of the calendar, all the substance-based problems grow exponentially worse. Adults have alcohol and drugs to contend with, and so do some teenagers. Humans of every age have food issues. With the addition of holiday stress, any life that is a barely controlled mess the rest of the year is poised to blossom into a full-fledged nightmare.

We need to take special care of ourselves, and of the people who have only a tenuous grasp on sobriety, or reasonable eating, or whatever. In fact, it never hurts to just go ahead and be especially considerate to everybody, because who knows what inner sorrow or fear or personal disaster they might be dealing with? Just because they don’t talk about it does not mean it isn’t there, lurking in the background. And guess what — everybody has some kind of Achilles Heel. For far too many of us, that vulnerable spot is our relationship with food.

The most powerful tool for our defense is the mind. Your mind, if not reasonably trained and disciplined, can definitely make a fool out of you. Conversely, it can rescue you from making a fool out of yourself.

Here is a helpful mantra: “The only one who can change things is me, and the best time to do it is now.”

Your responses and feedback are welcome!

The Upside of Rules

Sometimes we share our thoughts and feelings with other people, both professional and civilian. Sometimes we talk to ourselves. When talking to oneself, what might be useful to say?

Let’s make or at least borrow some rules

People often have a bad relationship with rules because they don’t understand the real function. Odious as rules may seem to the free-spirited person, they do have an important purpose. Rules are really just a starting points on which we build our psychological houses. They are useful as reference points. Like any basic architectural element, a rule can be beefed up, or modified in the other direction, whichever is appropriate to the case.

Say you have decided on three basic rules. Then, when thinking about these matters, some obvious questions will arise. For example, are rules immutable? Much as we might sometimes wish they could be, of course they are not. In society, if a person refuses to follow a rule, to the point of imprisonment or execution, there is obviously not much that any influence can do to stop them. A degree of commitment exists which is unanswerable.

But most of us are not so extreme. So, there is an obvious thinking point. It might be worth confronting one’s cognitive dissonance in this area. “If I believed this rule was worth adopting, why do I use every trick in the book to persuade myself to ignore it?” The question is worth asking.

What is an example of a useful rule?

“Face the fact that you will not acquire superpowers for the holidays.” It never happened before and is unlikely to happen this year or any time in the foreseeable future. It’s not like that. You will still be pretty much your ordinary self. Most drugs will probably not help but only worsen the situation. Eating too much, or the wrong things, or too much of the wrong things, will not help either.

We can’t be superhumans. But we can put some energy into being excellent standard humans, good to ourselves and to other people, too. Trying to be decent is within the reach of most of us.

You are worthy of consideration

A closely related rule is, “Maybe even cut yourself a little slack.” The archived post “Take It Easy on Yourself” offers excellent thoughts about controlling expectations, and a lot more.

We can each take a look at ourselves, for starters, and decide whether any of our standards and expectations could do with being a bit less rigid. We could accept, in ourselves and others, a wider range of emotional states. After all, the acceptance of feelings must be the first step toward dealing with anything, and reminds us that we can respect our feelings and also gently, and respectfully say no.

Are there customs or habits that no longer serve the best interests of everyone, or anyone, and that should be abandoned? Has your clan traditionally held a pie-eating contest for the holiday? Maybe the pie chefs could go ahead and bake a slew of pies, and donate them instead to the local soup kitchen.

How much are we obliged to cling to the past? Is it possible to do things just a little bit differently, and achieve a more pleasant outcome?

Your responses and feedback are welcome!

Image: Fair Use.

Sidestep the Winter Holiday Blues

The food-as-hospitality equation is beautiful but also dangerous, because some extenders of hospitality take it very hard if visitors do not devour every morsel of every dish. It is to be hoped that hosts will refrain from goading their guests into consuming more than they wish to. Cautious guests can prepare in advance by consulting a therapist, reading pertinent articles, and generally figuring out how to say “enough” in a way that will express abundant gratitude, yet at the same time compel the host to accept “No more, thank you” as a final answer.

Consideration should flow both ways. Before giving a child a drum kit or a smelly chemistry experiment set, please discuss it first with that child’s caregivers.

Here is a thought pertaining to the family get-together. Often, home movies or slides are shown, or photo albums are passed around, and stories to go with them. What if everybody made the effort, this time, to just sort of skip over the more embarrassing bits of historical lore? Maybe there are other ways to have fun besides picking on folks.

Fixing and eating

On the food front, a guest with strict dietary limitations is encouraged to make (or buy) something already proven safe for their own consumption, and bring along enough to share. On the psychological front, Dr. J. Renae Norton recommends rehearsal, which can be done ahead of time with a therapist, support group, or friend. She wrote (for a now-defunct website),

Try to role play situations that you suspect may arise (such as comments about your weight, about your food choices, etc.) Be as prepared as you can to avoid counter-productive coping behaviors.

Another useful concept for the guest is: Lend a hand if asked or permitted, but don’t push it. We have heard the expression, “a one-butt kitchen,” meaning that any additional occupant is more of a hindrance than a help. Also, your host might feel as personal about the kitchen as someone else feels about their bedroom. They don’t want drawers opened, or things fiddled with, moved out of place, or unnecessarily dirtied. They don’t have time right now to teach you how to use the new fancy gadget.

With family members, there are extra rules. If your grown child urges you to “just try one bite” of something, it’s only fair, because when they were young, you probably insisted that they try just one bite. But from anyone else, you don’t need to put up with it.

It never fails

We would all benefit from dislodging certain mindsets, like the surrender mode from which so many Americans conduct their proceedings. We face Halloween, and the next thing we know, it is three days until Christmas and our good clothes don’t fit anymore. What happened in between? A weird species of brain fog prevents us from even recalling.

Now, about that awkward week between Christmas and New Year… If we could somehow know the actual number of people who just give up, abandon all standards, and grant themselves a pass for that whole period, wouldn’t it be appalling? Of course, along with this dereliction of duty, we are somehow able to compose the most sincere vows to reform completely on January 1.

Your responses and feedback are welcome!

Image by H_Elise/CC BY 2.0 DEED

Steer Clear of the Winter Holiday Blues

The subject of the mouth as the most problematic body part, during the holiday season, is a very difficult topic to let go of, because it is multi-dimensional. First and most obviously, we need to keep close watch over the foods and intoxicants we put into our own mouths. If we have children, we are keeping an eye on their consumption. Then, on top of that, speech is a whole separate compartment — what we say to others, and what others say about us.

As if those areas were not troublesome enough, there is also the category of third-party communication: what is said to us, and by us, about others who are not present. A strict rule to avoid that kind of talk is a terrific idea. If a parent wants to confide about a child’s struggle against obesity, show kindness to everyone, including yourself, by steering the conversation in a different direction. Children do not forfeit their right to privacy and respect, simply by being underage.

Empathy in action

Many people cope with substance use disorders, involving food, nicotine, alcohol, or any one of a number of things. For people who are trying to reset their bodily systems, an ordinary Tuesday can be an epic battle that uses up every ounce of determination. Once the holidays roll around, the normal trauma level is amped up by several orders of magnitude.

Sometimes it is easy to spot a person’s vulnerable areas, and sometimes not, but in either case, it’s none of our business, and we certainly don’t need to pick on anybody. Here is a strategy designed to encourage peace and goodwill: If one relative starts to discuss another’s girth, see how cleverly you can change the subject.

In the realm of loose talk, humorous intent is no excuse. One person’s “just kidding; good, clean fun” can be another person’s hellish ordeal. For a New Year’s project, challenge yourself to utilize every opportunity to turn the conversation away from other people’s size, eating habits, etc.

And another thing…

A sensible person will also strive to avoid listening to other people’s excuses and rationalizations for their subpar behavior. If someone entices you to buy in as the enabler of their overindulgence in food, drink, or substances, don’t let them.

And please, don’t let yourself be emotionally blackmailed into doing what you know is not in your best interest. Acknowledge that Grandma spent hours mashing the potatoes and that Uncle Bert is the best dessert chef in the world. Praise them profusely, and don’t do anything you know you shouldn’t do.

You might need to explain that “just one bite” can be as harmful to you as “just one drink” is for an alcoholic. Go ahead and put it out there, not only for your own sake but to encourage others with the same problem to stand tall and not allow themselves to be cajoled or bullied into self-harm. Bravely march into the wilderness, and carve that path for future generations!

Your responses and feedback are welcome!

Image by Remy Sharp/CC BY-SA 2.0 DEED