We will return with a regular post on Tuesday, December 26.
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The food-as-hospitality equation is beautiful but also dangerous, because some extenders of hospitality take it very hard if visitors do not devour every morsel of every dish. It is to be hoped that hosts will refrain from goading their guests into consuming more than they wish to. Cautious guests can prepare in advance by consulting a therapist, reading pertinent articles, and generally figuring out how to say “enough” in a way that will express abundant gratitude, yet at the same time compel the host to accept “No more, thank you” as a final answer.
Consideration should flow both ways. Before giving a child a drum kit or a smelly chemistry experiment set, please discuss it first with that child’s caregivers.
Here is a thought pertaining to the family get-together. Often, home movies or slides are shown, or photo albums are passed around, and stories to go with them. What if everybody made the effort, this time, to just sort of skip over the more embarrassing bits of historical lore? Maybe there are other ways to have fun besides picking on folks.
On the food front, a guest with strict dietary limitations is encouraged to make (or buy) something already proven safe for their own consumption, and bring along enough to share. On the psychological front, Dr. J. Renae Norton recommends rehearsal, which can be done ahead of time with a therapist, support group, or friend. She wrote (for a now-defunct website),
Try to role play situations that you suspect may arise (such as comments about your weight, about your food choices, etc.) Be as prepared as you can to avoid counter-productive coping behaviors.
Another useful concept for the guest is: Lend a hand if asked or permitted, but don’t push it. We have heard the expression, “a one-butt kitchen,” meaning that any additional occupant is more of a hindrance than a help. Also, your host might feel as personal about the kitchen as someone else feels about their bedroom. They don’t want drawers opened, or things fiddled with, moved out of place, or unnecessarily dirtied. They don’t have time right now to teach you how to use the new fancy gadget.
With family members, there are extra rules. If your grown child urges you to “just try one bite” of something, it’s only fair, because when they were young, you probably insisted that they try just one bite. But from anyone else, you don’t need to put up with it.
We would all benefit from dislodging certain mindsets, like the surrender mode from which so many Americans conduct their proceedings. We face Halloween, and the next thing we know, it is three days until Christmas and our good clothes don’t fit anymore. What happened in between? A weird species of brain fog prevents us from even recalling.
Now, about that awkward week between Christmas and New Year… If we could somehow know the actual number of people who just give up, abandon all standards, and grant themselves a pass for that whole period, wouldn’t it be appalling? Of course, along with this dereliction of duty, we are somehow able to compose the most sincere vows to reform completely on January 1.
Your responses and feedback are welcome!
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Circumvent the Win
For anyone who aspires to be a worthy role model — and don’t we all? — the holiday season is the perfect time to practice all our best habits and set a good example for the kids. But we look around and see many adults with a different point of view, who regard this as the perfect time to abandon all restraint and just get as crazy as they wanna be. Meanwhile, the young’uns soak it all in, learning from these bad examples how to make excuses for less-than-pristine behavior.
Many of us are saddled with extra visit-related obligations, whether we remain stationary or are ourselves travelers. For both hosts and company, everything adds to the general cost burden. Even the most gracious hosts and the most eagerly anticipated guests are sometimes unable to meet expectations.
We hope to make a good impression on those people we only see a couple of times per year. We aspire to be on our best behavior, but the odds are stacked against us. People are still human, and if there is some latent hostility, any contingency could easily bring it out.
There’s shopping in crowded environments to deal with, and stressed-out people whose individual missions are just as important to them as our own are to us. Churches and other institutions that we are involved with ask for exceptional sacrifices of time and energy. Frazzled relatives make extra demands. Emergencies come up, and are more difficult than usual to handle, as vacationing employees leave businesses short-staffed, or maybe even closed. Just when we want to put our best foot forward, the world sets up even more than its customary allotment of booby traps.
What if there were one huge super-charged addiction with the power to affect every person on the planet? Actually, there are at least three, water and air being two of them. The third is food. A person can live without nicotine (substance addiction) or gambling (behavioral addiction) but nobody can live without eating food (apparently, a dependency that combines both substance and behavior.)
The inescapable fact about food is that food is inescapable, and during the holidays this becomes exponentially true. The ubiquitous sharing of tempting goodies makes abstention almost impossible. We don’t want to spurn the generosity of the people who offer free treats. And besides, cooks who are justifiably proud of their skills deserve to be praised and appreciated. We have a thousand excuses to over-indulge.
So many “feels” are involved, and a lot of that, of course, is nostalgia-based, grounded in positive emotion that we cherish and certainly don’t want to banish. And then… there is the overwhelmingly present negative emotional side. People of every age tend to overeat in response to stress, and in the field of stress causation, the winter holidays perform brilliantly. However, this quotation from a previous post about solid grounding still holds true.
One fact about holiday excess is very clear. If adults have modeled and enforced sane, healthful eating patterns consistently, the holiday challenge will be much easier to meet. In the very optimal best-case scenario, the habits instilled throughout the year will hold steady, and the damage will be minimal. Hopefully, temporary overeating will end when the winter holidays are over. Even at worst, family members will revert back to their normal good habits when the new year commences, and any atypical weight gain will be easy to shed.
Your responses and feedback are welcome!
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The subject of the mouth as the most problematic body part, during the holiday season, is a very difficult topic to let go of, because it is multi-dimensional. First and most obviously, we need to keep close watch over the foods and intoxicants we put into our own mouths. If we have children, we are keeping an eye on their consumption. Then, on top of that, speech is a whole separate compartment — what we say to others, and what others say about us.
As if those areas were not troublesome enough, there is also the category of third-party communication: what is said to us, and by us, about others who are not present. A strict rule to avoid that kind of talk is a terrific idea. If a parent wants to confide about a child’s struggle against obesity, show kindness to everyone, including yourself, by steering the conversation in a different direction. Children do not forfeit their right to privacy and respect, simply by being underage.
Many people cope with substance use disorders, involving food, nicotine, alcohol, or any one of a number of things. For people who are trying to reset their bodily systems, an ordinary Tuesday can be an epic battle that uses up every ounce of determination. Once the holidays roll around, the normal trauma level is amped up by several orders of magnitude.
Sometimes it is easy to spot a person’s vulnerable areas, and sometimes not, but in either case, it’s none of our business, and we certainly don’t need to pick on anybody. Here is a strategy designed to encourage peace and goodwill: If one relative starts to discuss another’s girth, see how cleverly you can change the subject.
In the realm of loose talk, humorous intent is no excuse. One person’s “just kidding; good, clean fun” can be another person’s hellish ordeal. For a New Year’s project, challenge yourself to utilize every opportunity to turn the conversation away from other people’s size, eating habits, etc.
A sensible person will also strive to avoid listening to other people’s excuses and rationalizations for their subpar behavior. If someone entices you to buy in as the enabler of their overindulgence in food, drink, or substances, don’t let them.
And please, don’t let yourself be emotionally blackmailed into doing what you know is not in your best interest. Acknowledge that Grandma spent hours mashing the potatoes and that Uncle Bert is the best dessert chef in the world. Praise them profusely, and don’t do anything you know you shouldn’t do.
You might need to explain that “just one bite” can be as harmful to you as “just one drink” is for an alcoholic. Go ahead and put it out there, not only for your own sake but to encourage others with the same problem to stand tall and not allow themselves to be cajoled or bullied into self-harm. Bravely march into the wilderness, and carve that path for future generations!
Your responses and feedback are welcome!
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A prominent topic here has been our mouths, what goes into them, and what comes out of them. If only we could all make it through the holidays without hearing things we don’t want to hear, and especially, without saying things we shouldn’t say — what a bright world this would be!
Why, oh why, do people feel obligated to remark on the physical proportions of their friends and relatives who are only seen a few times, or even only once, per year? This brand of communication includes four basic categories:
Grownups presumably have years of life experience and the advantage of at least some education to draw upon for conversational material. Why must they talk about each other’s appearances? And if they find the subject of looks inescapable, there are several possibilities other than people’s stomachs and rear ends. Hair, clothing, eyeglass frames, earrings, shoes, glitzy fingernails…
Even a positive remark carries the risk of being construed as negative. “You’re so slim!” could easily imply the hidden message, “Last New Year’s Eve, you looked like a blimp!” Why must body configuration even be a topic?
There is no compelling reason for an adult to mention a child’s body, and it’s even a little bit creepy. The worst-case scenario would be to admire the figure of a girl who is struggling with bulimia or anorexia. The danger of being an enabler of that kind of illness should be enough to keep any responsible adult quiet.
The possible exception would be a teenager who aspires to a professional athletic career and is in great shape. But if that is the case, they already know it anyway, and adulation from their peers means a heck of a lot more than a compliment from some random grownup. Rather than praise the physique itself, it would be more meaningful to praise the amount of dedication and hard work that obviously went into the attainment of it.
As for any denigration of a child’s body, there simply is no excuse. An adult who finds it impossible to avoid remarking on a child’s size should probably just go up to the attic or down to the basement and sleep it off.
Obviously, nobody can do much about what the kids, in the privacy of the TV room after dinner, say to each other about their moms, dads, siblings, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. And any parent whose kid would call an adult a hippopotamus to their face has more problems than we are equipped to handle here.
Even the most beautifully raised children cannot help being exposed to the savagery of other people’s kids. We can only do our best, through conscientious and unrelenting example, to prevent our own offspring from either becoming the victims of monster children, or becoming monster children themselves.
Your responses and feedback are welcome!
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The previous post finished up by quoting an officer of the National Obesity Forum who advises taking relatives aside at family holiday gatherings to discuss their weight problems and recommend intervention. And yet, many people hold a contrary opinion.
Just to pull one at random, Meredith Noble wrote an essay titled “Dear Non-Fat People.” It discusses the ignorance of fat-shaming someone with the excuse of concern about their likelihood of getting diabetes, etc., when in actual reality the overweight person might be healthier than the skinny critic. Noble also emphatically points out,
If you are overweight, it is impossible to exist in our society without the awareness that you are overweight… When you are overweight, other people’s judgment is constantly on your mind… If shame helped overweight people develop good habits, we would all be thin already.
So, anyone who has an irresistible urge to talk with a friend or relative about their weight might be well advised to at least put it off for a while, instead of spoiling the holiday celebration. The target of this concern will not be missing out on anything. They know.
But even worse than the “concerned” discouragers are the encouragers and enablers. Some people’s notion of fun at a party is to cozy up to an overweight person and egg them on, getting some kind of twisted thrill from urging that person to eat more and richer treats. This is quite a reprehensible thing to do.
Dr. Billi Gordon, who weighed as much as several people, wrote for Psychology Today,
[A] single morsel of high-sugar and high-fat palatable food triggers binge eating in rats. Likewise, it only takes that “one bite can’t hurt you” of a rich dessert to trigger binge eating in compulsive overeaters.
Dr. Gordon was an expert on and a participant in holiday binge eating, and his words are quote-worthy:
It is a multifaceted, complex, socially encouraged pathological behavior. For normal eaters, holiday bingeing is circumstantial and not problematic, per se; for compulsive overeaters it’s a reoccurring nightmare.
Never one to mince words, Dr. Gordon also wrote this alarming explanation of how it all works:
It is like we all have the capacity for violence. That is not the problem. The problem is what external and internal cues cause us to access that capacity. For the gang kid, the symbol of disrespect can result in violent assault or death. For the compulsive overeater that symbol can cause compulsive overeating, which is just a differently directed assault and a slower death.
Under the wrong circumstances, and given the availability of calorie-rich food, probably almost anyone could, through compulsive eating, learn to mask and obliterate their feelings. So, let’s take the trouble to get some education and some therapy, and not let that happen. And when we meet up with others who have already fallen victim to compulsive eating, let’s try not to be the negative relatives, or even the slightly less toxic, ostensibly positive ones.
Your responses and feedback are welcome!
Source: “Dear Non-Fat People,’ Medium.com/09/08/15
Source: “Thanksgiving: Danger in the Brain,” PsychologyToday.com, 11/24/14
Source: “Christmas Cookie Blue,” PsychologyToday.com, 12/06/13
Source: “Symbolic Eating,” PsychologyToday.com, 11/23/13
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Recent posts have a lot to say about the damage that can be done by mouths, both our own and other people’s. Some adults put intoxicants into their mouths, and unkind words come out. They have something to say about another person’s size, or their eating habits. Children, being such excellent mimics, can be just as rude without even taking a drink.
Often, hearers of those mocking and fat-shaming words become upset or “triggered,” and then proceed to shovel a large amount of food into their mouths, which ultimately makes the situation even worse. And of course, no parent wants to be ridiculed as an enabler who fattens children up as if to enter them in the State Fair’s giant pumpkin contest.
For an obese child, seeing relatives only once or twice a year can be a special kind of torment. It’s as if some people are robots, incapable of saying anything original. Their first remark is always size-related, and on a certain level, it really does not matter if the words are derogatory or complimentary. Without being able to sort out the thoughts and reactions they feel subconsciously, a child may still have an instinctive response along the lines of, “Who gave anyone the right to talk about my body?”
No one wants to feel like a piece of human merchandise up on the auction block, with their flaws and good points being discussed to influence the bidding. Even the least reflective child can detect the injustice. “Why is it any of her business what’s inside my clothes?” is one thought that comes to mind, or “We haven’t seen each other for a year, and that’s the conversation starter he has to lead with?”
If each and every one of us could learn to bite our tongues and not repeat that fat joke at Cousin Lizzie’s expense, the world would be a better place, and even the impulse toward “positive” interference should be carefully considered. Whether the target is a child or adult, even the most kindly, well-meaning attempt at intervention will not be received with gratitude.
One year, the National Obesity Forum conducted a study to see how folks feel about telling others they are fat at Christmas. Here is an interesting detail:
Men find it hardest to tell their partners, while women were more worried about bringing up the issue with a friend.
Maybe, nobody should tell anybody anything. Maybe it’s simply not a discussion to have on this sort of occasion, especially when unasked for. On the other hand, Prof. David Haslam, the organization’s chairperson, says go ahead and be that dreaded bringer of bad news:
Suggesting to someone that they should consider losing a few pounds may not be a comfortable conversation to have. But if someone close to you has a large waistline then as long as you do it sensitively, discussing it with them now could help them avoid critical health risks later down the line and could even save their life.
Your responses and feedback are welcome!
Source: “’Tell loved ones they are overweight this Christmas’, BBC.com, 12/21/11
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The types of social disorder mentioned in the last post prove that the mouth is the most dangerous part of the body. Our own mouths get us in trouble, and those of other people say things that cause us serious pain. In other instances, they don’t even need to use their voices. That sweater Aunt Georgie gave you, the Christmas when you were 10… Was its tiny size a pointed reminder of your extra pounds, or simply an “Oops!” from a nice lady with too much on her mind?
It comes as no surprise that adults are just as flummoxed as younger people are, by holiday family gatherings. Plenty of adults take on the role of director, deciding how everyone else ought to act and react during every moment. There is always one aged relative known as the most censorious and judgmental, and probably another famed as the eternal scamp who will never grow up.
Despite their seeming differences, it may be that neither one of them wants to continue as a caricature. Somehow they keep finding themselves inhabiting roles that nobody really wants — and meanwhile, their thoughts are identical: “Next year, how do I avoid this clown show?” Maybe they mean, “Could I simply neglect to show up, and get away with it?” Or perhaps they mean, “What must I do to become the person who can show up for this occasion, and handle it, next time?”
For a child, the miseries of going out to somebody else’s house, or of being part of the host family, are probably about equal. Either way, the relative who loves to torment you will be there, pinching your cheeks and making snide remarks about dessert and portion sizes. Kids, you need to know that at this time of year, adults might do anything, especially at a large family gathering.
Some adults want to retain control by keeping the kids in sight at all times, as elaborate traditional role affirmations are played out. Or the grownups will go the other way and strive to keep the little kids in one space and the older ones in another, and all separated from the adults.
In fact, this is a great time to hit the parents up for some fancy delivered food, premium screen media content, or permission to use the car. As long as they are left alone to do their partying, they don’t care what the kids do, and children of all ages take advantage of this fact by extracting bribes. The corollary to that is, if overeating is their problem, young people who are vulnerable at any stage will certainly overeat during the holidays.
Your responses and feedback are welcome!
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The body part most closely associated with the winter holiday festivities is the mouth, and not only because of all the singing and eating. At any social gathering, there is generally quite a bit of loose talk, the kind that does damage. This is true of many different environments — work, school, and especially family gatherings. Is there anyone who has not been hurt or insulted by the words of some relative or family friend, at the exact time of year when everything is supposed to all be love and light?
Despite the common belief that nobody should be alone for the holidays, a lot of people would pretty much rather be on their own rather than put up with a lot of nonsense. They don’t want to hear about how overweight they look this year, compared to the same time last year. They probably don’t even want to commiserate with other parents about how difficult it is to keep the children from ballooning up.
A family get-together can turn toxic pretty fast. Children might face an excruciating dilemma, caught between two equally vital concepts. Your parents warn you there are certain kinds of kids you shouldn’t hang out with, because it can only lead to trouble. Then, you meet one or more kids that your personal spidey-sense tells you are bad news — except you have to hang out with them, because they are your cousins.
For many people of all ages, another unattractive aspect of a big family gathering is that you’re expected to stick with it for the duration. Some sensitive children get very unbalanced from being around too many people for too long. But to be separated from the grownups does not help, because some of the kids you get banished to the rec room with are obnoxious. At least an adult might go on a helpful or necessary errand, and make a temporary escape. A grownup can choose to drive away, or walk away, or find a place to be alone for a while.
A very clever grownup may engineer some quality time with a favorite relative while avoiding the less agreeable ones. It comes as no surprise that even super-sophisticated folk like psychologists, trained therapists, and clergy members can be thrown off their stride during the holidays.
Children are expected to be polite, good-natured, respectful, and most of all they are expected to cheerfully put up with personal remarks about their appearance. A lot of children and teens are defenseless against cruelty, especially from relatives. An overweight young person is aware that he or she will be critically scrutinized and discussed, and probably photographed for reasons other than a desire for fond memories.
What is worse — to endure this kind of discrimination alone, or as part of a group? There are family get-togethers where every adult considers it her or his sworn duty to issue an opinion about every single other person who is present — especially the kids. It’s as if critiquing each body, young or old, is their job, and they’re trying for a promotion. Somehow, you just know that Aunt Nell intends to go back home to her circle of evil witch friends and show everybody how much fatter her niece is today than a year ago.
Your responses and feedback are welcome!
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Around this time of year, Americans are likely to celebrate one or more of around 30 different religious and cultural holidays. Most of these festivities seem to involve gifts, merriment, and eating. Obesity and the holidays intersect in this “best of” compilation of some of the most inspiring and original ideas out there. Reminders are either paraphrased or quoted, of helpful ideas from Childhood Obesity News posts of bygone years.
The cold and calculating mechanisms of media advertising urge us to eat excessively, and to give other people excessive things, like chocolate-covered cherries or triple-dipped gingerbread, to eat. But it does not all stem from personal or corporate greed, oh no. People who urge you to eat until you get sick and hate yourself, operate from the most lovely and generous impulses in the world.
In their minds, what they want is for you to be joyful and happy, and they believe that an elevated calorie count equals bliss. They don’t understand, or pretend not to understand, or do not want to understand. Whatever the basic and basically well-meaning reason may be, the result is not good for us.
The holidays hold endless potential for trauma, most of it inflicted by people who sincerely want the best, and only the best, for us. Yet and still, harmful patterns from our childhood, and even our parents’ childhoods, leap out from behind the Christmas tree or down the chimney.
The varieties of awfulness are endless. Some parents start months beforehand, using the upcoming holiday as a truncheon or even a stun gun, administering threats and punishment. “I guess we’ll just tell Santa to skip this house this year. Nope, too late to apologize. Don’t bother looking all sad. You’ve gone and done it. No Christmas for you!”
Naturally, parents who do not want the next generation to inherit this kind of ugliness will go out of their way to create a good time, and that will probably involve a lot of treats. We need to take time to think more deeply, and find a better prescription for old wounds than “throw sugar at it.”
In the old days, it was very easy for parents to keep young children away from unhealthful influences. Youngsters had no way to know what dangers they were protected from. Now, everybody has ways of knowing everything, and kids begging to go to 99 shows will run a parent ragged.
Good results might be had from planning that starts well ahead of the season. If there is a local events center or arena, a preplanned attendance at something really spectacular could help to dampen further demands. To see a live performance of The Nutcracker, a family doesn’t even have to celebrate Christmas. Such special occasions are cross-cultural.
How do we show children we love them without ruining their health? How do we restrain kids from accepting every offer of a free cookie or candy cane, without coming across like ogres? This next idea is hard and takes a lot of work and commitment, and it’s too late to implement it this year. But to have some say over what treats are served or allowed to be donated at your kids’ school next year, it might be worth joining whatever group has power over their school activities.
Your responses and feedback are welcome!
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OVERWEIGHT: What Kids Say explores the obesity problem from the often-overlooked perspective of children struggling with being overweight.
Dr. Robert A. Pretlow is a pediatrician and childhood obesity specialist. He has been researching and spreading awareness on the childhood obesity epidemic in the US for more than a decade.
You can contact Dr. Pretlow at:
Dr. Pretlow’s invited presentation at the American Society of Animal Science 2020 Conference
What’s Causing Obesity in Companion Animals and What Can We Do About It
Dr. Pretlow’s invited presentation at the World Obesity Federation 2019 Conference:
Food/Eating Addiction and the Displacement Mechanism
Dr. Pretlow’s Multi-Center Clinical Trial Kick-off Speech 2018:
Obesity: Tackling the Root Cause
Dr. Pretlow’s 2017 Workshop on
Treatment of Obesity Using the Addiction Model
Dr. Pretlow’s invited presentation for
TEC and UNC 2016
Dr. Pretlow’s invited presentation at the 2015 Obesity Summit in London, UK.
Dr. Pretlow’s invited keynote at the 2014 European Childhood Obesity Group Congress in Salzburg, Austria.
Dr. Pretlow’s presentation at the 2013 European Congress on Obesity in Liverpool, UK.
Dr. Pretlow’s presentation at the 2011 International Conference on Childhood Obesity in Lisbon, Portugal.
Dr. Pretlow’s presentation at the 2010 Uniting Against Childhood Obesity Conference in Houston, TX.
Childhood Obesity News | OVERWEIGHT: What Kids Say | Dr. Robert A. Pretlow
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